Laughter Leads to Hope

Gretchen (Souers) Berndt entered The Village Network Lobby on November 16, 2022, to attend the dedication of the plaque for the Zach Souers Giving Hope Fund, a fund started to honor her brother. Surprisingly, she recognized a school friend that she had not seen in years, Sarah McFarland. Sarah worked for The Village Network in the Performance Compliance Quality Improvement department. Watching the two reconnect, I realized I needed to share this part of Zach’s story. I arranged a lunch date for the three of us and found myself with two women who quickly took me back to seventh grade in middle school. When I asked the first question, “How did you meet?” the exact resounding words came out, “clown troupe.” “In middle school, we were both in the clown troupe,” said Gretchen as her face lit up. Sarah added that she and her friend Gretchen had “cute brothers” as the smiling and laughter continued. When I asked Gretchen about her favorite memory of Zach, “Where do I start? I was the younger sister who could always tag along with my big brother. He was a good brother.”

In 1996, when Gretchen and her family moved from Dover to Wooster, she remembers it being a good time to move as she was beginning seventh grade, and it was the transition from elementary school to middle school. The change was easy as everyone was “new,” added Sarah. However, the adjustment was more challenging for her big brother, Zach, as he was about to start his sophomore year in high school. Gretchen remembers being aware that he was “struggling, but that he was her big brother, and their relationship was the same.”

Zach was a senior when Gretchen and Sarah entered high school as freshmen. Sarah’s brother Matthew was also a senior with Zach. Gretchen’s dad was the football coach, and she was a cheerleader. Mom was in the stands, cheering everyone on! It was the quintessential high school experience, and they had a typical brother-and-sister relationship. “[Zach] picked on me,” but I was “off-limits to any other team members” as Zach’s little sister. Gretchen laughed about “Buddy, the 22-pound black cat,” who also “dressed up like a clown; Zach loved buddy,” she reminisced. Gretchen and Sarah continued to share favorite memories of “Friday night football games at Triway High School” and many “happy times” with Zach, where he was “happiest when playing sports,” Gretchen recalled.

But at home, things were getting different with her big brother. “We all wear that mask in public, but it’s real life at home. Much like social media today, we only post the good stuff,” Gretchen and Sarah agreed. Gretchen recalled Zach “struggling” as she continued through high school. He began isolating himself, unsure of what was next for him and what direction to go. As she was focused on her schoolwork and preparing for college, Gretchen was unaware of how challenging things were for her older brother. She would soon become aware of how bad things were.

Gretchen recalled the organic chemistry class on that August day in 2004. The teacher was interrupted by security and stepped into the hall; as he re-entered, he asked Gretchen to join them. She remembers thinking, “What did I do?” But that quickly changed when she was greeted by a family friend who lived in her college area. With her tear-stained face, Gretchen’s next thought was, “Dad.” She had to quickly process words like “attempted suicide,” “brother,” “hospital,” and “you need to go home to Ohio.”

Once home, she was confronted with how bad things had gotten for Zach, who would not survive. Sarah received a call from her brother, Matthew, with the news about Zach. She recalled being “shocked, never knowing the extent of Zach’s struggles,” while thinking of her friend, Gretchen; she remembers feeling “deeply saddened and not knowing what to say to the family.”

Our conversation then took a shift; several generations ago, you never spoke of mental health, yet today, it is ok not to be ok. The two women shared that the time that passed provided a new perspective and the recognition that life unfolds and challenges us, and 20 years later, after high school, life is different. All people have “struggles,” added both Gretchen and Sarah. Gretchen recalled her path to recovery after losing her brother, which included working with a therapist. She mentioned that one of the books she read was I Thought it Was Just Me (But It Isn’t) by Brené Brown, which encouraged her to share that people need to know that “we are more alike than we are different. We all want to get through life, and we feel isolated if we do not have connections. We need to be able to relate to and support one another.”

The recognition of a global dialogue surrounding mental health started with the help of public figures like Michael Phelps, Simone Biles, and Prince Harry. Sarah mentioned that her daughters, aged seven and eleven, attend school and know their classmates’ struggles. “They discuss things like ADHD or anxiety and give each other the space to process emotions and are even supporting one another to do better.” We all shared how happy we were to see this shift and that anxiety was never openly addressed 20 years ago. We are hopeful that we are equipping future generations with the ability to remove the mental health stigma from society. Gretchen shared that through her therapy, she found closure and peace with the loss of her brother but wants to remind us to always “be kind and do whatever you can to make people’s day. Be the bright spot when you can.”

As we finished lunch, I felt so comfortable and connected to Sarah and Gretchen that I had to ask, “When was the last time you both had a clown nose on?”

Sarah responded, “This past Christmas, my daughter’s Rudolph nose.”

Gretchen shared, “It was about 10 years ago at a baseball game with my parents in Detroit.”

As I drove back to the office, this lunch fed my soul and left me wanting more moments of connection, laughter, and even tears with these fantastic women. Not only did we have a unique and deep conversation addressing mental health issues, but it also reminded me that when faced with a mental struggle, to seek help, be connected, and hold on to hope.